Pistachios. You Heard Me. Pistachios.

Pistachio nuts are one of God's greatest gifts. I can eat a pound (preshelled) easily in one sitting, although I try to restrain myself. The flavor of a perfectly ripened pistachio is something that defies description, transcendental is some way, a bit of the Beyond vouchsafed to us. People I know when they eat them just rip the little guys apart, like tiny petrified clams, and chomp away. This is most incorrect.

Directions:

1. Check to see that the nut is split. Few things are as frustrating as a pistachio that won't open, that must be crushed between the teeth. The shell fragments are extremely hard, and their unyielding grit detroys the experience. Throw that one out, baby with bathwater.

2. Put the pistachio in your mouth, savoring fully the salt-mixed-with-pistachio vibe. Work it. When the last of the salt is gone, proceed to step 3. WARNING: this technique will eventually temporarily shrivel the inside of your lower lip, which gets irritated after a while. To me, it's worth it. YMMV.

3. Hook one end of the shell on your bottom incisors, holding the other side of the shell firmly between the fingers. Pull. The nut will drop right out of the shell into your mouth. Move the shell in your mouth to the front, and retrieve with fingers. Discard shell.

4. Usually there is an outer sheath around the fruit proper still present at this point. If not, proceed to step 5. If so, drag this off with your teeth and munch around on it for a while, while keeping the pistachio fruit hidden away between your cheek and gum, or wherever you think it should go.

5. Go for the pistachio itself. There are several ways to do this. Crunching it up and swallowing are fine, you've gone the distance. However, occasionally, such as when watching a movie, a wholly new experience can be had by holding the pistachio with your index finger and thumb. Scrape your bottom front teeth on the fruit back and forth, creating a fine powder that has a majestic flavor. Quite a pain in the neck to do normally; best saved for when lounging about indolently.

Note: every once in a while, you will encounter a bad pistachio. I don't know if they're rotten, or were never good to begin with, but when you get one, you'll know it, and be very sorry. The bad ones are truly horrific. It's just one of those things that you have to endure to get the joy. There's nothing to be done.

There you have it. Enjoy your nuts.